“Don’t Fruit The Beer!!”
by Brianna Bohon
July 10, 2008
What is it about the summertime that urges people to add fruit (slices, wedges, zest, etc.) to any and every consumable item? I agree that fruits are delicious and refreshing, but does that warrant their addition to the everyday working man’s brewski?
Budweiser, Miller, Michelob – everyone knows these all-American beers are quite possibly the leaders in redneck targeting advertisements. NASCAR anyone? They might as well release a confederate flag label edition (hey I bet there’s money in that…hmm).
To be perfectly stereotypical and politically incorrect, picture the usual Budweiser drinker in the usual Budweiser drinking habitat…
*Camera descends upon the lazy-boy chair in which sits the beer-bellied, stained undershirt wearing figure of a middle-aged man, remote control in hand, awaiting his favorite words “gentlemen start your engines” .*
Okay, now imagine this same scenario with the deletion of the always faithful Budweiser and its replacement with Budweiser Lime. I think everything else in this picture should automatically be updated to fit the beer…
*Camera glides along the Ocean City coastline; over the trash ridden beach and pasty-white vacationers, the murky Atlantic glistening in the background. Stopping to zoom in, your eye is drawn to a giant ‘number 3 intimidator’ umbrella under which sits the beach equivalent of the infamous lazy-boy and our aforementioned friend. Only this time his attire has changed! The addition of fruity tartness in his favorite brew has led him to substitute his cut-off jeans with Hawaiian themed board-shorts and flip flops!*
But what’s so wrong with that? Budweiser is now with lime. Michelob Ultra has lime as well as orange-grapefruit and pomegranate-raspberry! Miller has the new lime flavored Miller Chill ---WAIT!!--- Miller?!!?! Am I the only one who remembers the Miller “Don’t Fruit the Beer” ad campaign? Last year Miller instructed us on the laws of men and how unholy and contaminating fruit is to beer. So Miller, is the Miller Chill strictly for female consumers or are you doing a bit of (pardon if this is summertime punny) flip-flopping?
We are yet to hear of any kind of recipe change to the rocky mountain silver bullet. Coors are you next? Maybe a little zing in your everyday life is just what the doctor ordered. I myself have always enjoyed a slice of orange in my seasonal summer drinks. But is it blasphemous to add foreign fruity flavors to the old American favorites? To fruit or not to fruit the beer, that is the question. What say you reader? As long as the prices stay the same, I say fruit it up!
Male Cougar Riddle???
by Matt Bentley and Brianna Bohon
July 3, 2008
There has been an ongoing issue that I am sure we all have faced at one time or another. The older lady or gentleman at the bar/party/club that is looking to snag a younger mate. The word "Cougar" has been formed to describe the older woman prowling on young men (AKA Ms. Robinson) but what name should we refer to the older gentlemen with??? Bri and Matt square off below with their terms and explanations.
Matt Bentley:
I haven’t read Bri’s proposal yet, but it’s pretty safe to assume that it’s going to be tough to beat. I’m not nearly as skilled as her when it comes to writing, so I’m not going to try to match her eloquence. No, I am going to make this concise. We should call male cougars, Mellencamps. That’s right; I want to name them after John Mellencamp. Why, for three simple reasons.
1) I’m sure that everyone remembers a time when Mr. Mellencamp went by John COUGAR Mellencamp.
2) Tell me this picture doesn’t scream cougar! We’ve all seen a guy like this alone in the corner of the bar, staring at the younger female patrons.
3) Finally, the most damning pice of evidence. We all know that, cougars are famous for taking partners that are at least 10 years younger than themselves. In ‘92 Mellencamp married supermodel Elaine Irwin. He was 41 and Irwin was 23 years old at the time. That’s a difference of 18 years of age.
JCM is the king of the male cougars and this is the best way to honor him. Mellencamp is the most logical answer to the male cougar riddle.
Brianna Bohon:
Well allow me to retort;
Picture this ladies... It’s girl’s night, you and your crew walk into a “classy” joint like Bayou Blues in White Marsh and what is it you see? (Besides that weird lady in the zebra hot pants…you know who I’m talking about) The place is crawling with men old enough to be anybody’s Grandpa Joe! Oh no! You’ve found yourself in a haunting abyss of open-collar-chest-hair-exposing-gold-chain-wearing barbarians! You turn to your friends in hysteria as you scream… “this place is full of ________!” (Mellencamps?)
Although a clever choice, Mellencamp doesn’t quite roll off the tongue does it? In search of a better label for these hunters of 20-something prey, I looked around for suggestions on the male version of the infamous ‘cougar’.
Wikipedia: Like domestic cats, cougars vocalize low-pitched hisses, growls, and purrs, as well as chirps and whistles...Sounds familiar huh?... its physique allows it great leaping and short-sprint ability…oh my! Careful girls! …is best adapted for short, powerful sprints rather than long chases…Good to know… It is adept at climbing, which allows it to evade canine competitors… Note to self; get a bigger dog...
Most of the girls I asked said there really isn’t a general name you could give them, one even said “we already have a name for them, perverts.” Apparently the consensus is that all men are like their female cougar counterparts, but to me, these dirty old men deserve a name.
Only one clever chica had a nickname for me to research…bobcats. Let’s get out our handy dandy notebooks and see what Wikipedia has for us on this one.
The Bobcat is a North American mammal…recognized subspecies…haha that’s for damn sure... With a gray to brown coat, whiskered face, and black-tufted ears…okay gray hair (check), whiskered face (check), black tufted EW! Nasty old man ear hair!! (checkity check check)… There is generally an off-white color on the lips, chin, and underparts…uhhh not sure I wanna know all that… this includes a stubby 4 inch…(tail), which has a "bobbed" appearance and gives the species its name…sorry I couldn’t resist hahaha!!!
So, in closing, although I do think this topic deserves much more research and public insight, the name I will choose for now will be Bobcats. Feel free to interject, please please do! For now, girls beware! The Bobcats are on the prowl at the local watering hole near you.
(P.S. that totally is a cougaresque photo of J.Cougar Mellencamp…good work Matt!)
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Preakness: There were horses there?!?!?
by Brandi Chavis
May 19, 2008
This past Saturday, the 17th, marked my fourth year at one of Baltimore’s biggest field parties, Preakness. I’m sure by now you have all heard the stories about people losing their clothes, the enormous amounts of beer, and the rumor of there being horses at Preakness. That’s why I’m not going to write about those things. Instead, I am going to give you advice so you too can survive your day at Pimlico next year (with as little embarrassment as possible). Here are my top ten things to know about Preakness before you go:
- Wear shoes, not sandals. The beginning of the day may start out as a sandal day but by the end you will be standing in beer, soggy food, and who knows what else.
- Wear old clothes that you do not mind getting dirty, stained, or even torn. And ladies, please don’t wear a dress.
- Protect your skin with sunscreen, 10 hours of drinking in the sun can give you wicked tan lines.
- If you are going to bet on horses, find a program stand and purchase one. When you go to place your bet, know your horse’s number and the number of the race. It makes betting painless for you and the poor person who has to decipher what you are rambling about.
- Ladies bring some spare TP. Toilet paper can become scarce later in the day so be prepared, BYO.
- Prepare yourself for a long day of drinking. Bring water and food in your cooler and pace yourself. The horses are racing not you!
- This is a BIG one, bring a cooler with wheels. I saw many people early in the morning scraping there beer and food off the sidewalk because their styrofoam cooler broke while carrying it. (Note: at the end of the day you may be able to find a better cooler than you came with. Many people leave them behind.)
- Take a trip to the outer fence and actually see a horse and watch a race. That’s right, there are horses there!
- Watch out for flying objects. For some reason people tend to throw things when they’re drunk. I, personally, do not understand the obsession but nonetheless HEAD’S UP!!!!
- And last but not least…. Drink Responsibly! Don’t be THAT guy (or girl)!!!!
So next year, with this simple guide, you can survive Preakness like a pro. Check out last years running of the urinals.
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